Losing her
by Tinochka
Summary: My attempt to show what Cal feels and thinks every time when Gill is in danger. Rated T for language. R&R.


Title: Losing her *and yes, I'm having hard times with titles*

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Lie To Me characters

**Spoilers: this story's full of them xD Contains splrs for 5 episodes: 1.12, 2.04, 2.12, 2.16 and 3.13**

Summary: Cal's thoughts and feelings, Gill-centred. Read&Review, please.

You're my paradise, my hell,

My curse, my life-long vital spell.

You're a cover for my lie,

You're my bloody alibi.

You're my enemy, my match,

My best friend ever and my scratch.

You're the one who always is

Inside my head, no change in this.

You're recovery, disease,

The one who screwed me and released.

You're the only one I trust

And who can turn me into dust.

**Losing her**

He hates himself for all these cases altogether and each one in particular. For making her go through this, for not foreseeing the majority, for not always being there to help her cope. He will never be able to let it go, 'cause his guilt haunts him way too much. He curses himself for each teardrop that has fallen from her eyes so far.

But he is also somehow grateful for every time his heart skipped a beat, 'cause God knows how much more time would he need, if all that stuff didn't happen, to realise that there is one thing he fears the most. Losing her.

**shshsh**

Cal would never forget the moment he realised that he had screwed up. That because of his exaggerated self-assurance and his desperate attempts to make his plan work he had missed the most important signs onto Jenkins face. Hate, cruelty and sadism. Of course he knew that a serial rapist must be a really bad person with all the consequences but concentrating on the lie he had completely forgot about the truth. The truth which could now cost him a price that was too much for him to live with.

"Might have mentioned a friend of yours" a cruel smile appeared in the corners of Jenkins mouth, and suddenly everything around Cal just stopped existing. He stormed out of the room closely followed by Reynolds who clearly wasn't quit following the trail of the small conversation.

"He sent the copycat to the house of victim with whom Foster worked today" he was nearly running to the car slot afraid, just so afraid to be late.

Ben was talking over the phone now, may be trying to get help but Lightman couldn't really hear the words. He looked down at his hands. They were shaking violently like he was unbelievably drunk or something.

"You drive!" he shouted, starting jogging towards agent's Jeep. Cal flopped on a car seat cursing Ben for being so slow. Every minute, every second counted 'cause they had lost too much time. Way too much.

They made their way to the last victim's house, and all Cal's thoughts were directed at accusing himself for being a stupid ass. He refused to understand how he could have not seen through some fucking rapist well enough to foresee this, how he could have let Gillian go there alone, how he could have... shouted at her. Their last conversation came up in his mind. It was awful. He had seen that she was pissed, and he had asked her about it and yelled at her when she had refused to confirm it aloud. "Is that it?". A great thing to say. Bravo, Lightman.

At that moment Reynolds took the last turn, and they heard it. A woman's cry in the silence of the night. And it was her, it was his Gill crying for help.

He was out of the car in no second, running as fast as he would only under very special circumstances. To save a life of his daughter, for example, or to make sure that the woman who was currently lying on the ground was OK - more or less.

He kneeled down by her, tried to put his arms around her waist but she punched him and started screaming again, not recognising him, thinking that he was the one who attacked her. At that, very first moment, he had a strange thought about him deserving such a treatment from her for what he had missed, for letting that happen. In less than a second, though, she focused on his face, and he began stroking and comforting her, telling her everything would be fine, kissing her forehead... And he actually believed his own words as well as one unspoken truth. He would never forgive himself for this attack.

**shshsh**

Then there was one more time when their quarrel nearly became the last one. That day he came to the office mad because of the case he had had to take. He shouted at her, he refused to deal with family issues once again, he managed to piss her off. She handled him all the bills and the payrolls – that disgusting part of having your own business – and told that it was all his.

"What's the matter with you?" Cal's words were still in the air when he spotted a guy with a gun. That son of bitch was holding Ria as a hostage, and, even before Lightman was able to make any decision about what to do next, Eric started firing. All the papers Cal was holding flew to the floor, and the very first, mostly subconscious move of the deception expert was to protect a life. Not his but Gillian's. Putting himself between the crazy Matheson and his partner, he clearly didn't think a lot about their latest argument. All that he cared for at that moment and later that day was her safety. That's why he had difficulty with asking her to come to his office. He didn't want to do it, he didn't want to risk her life but she was the only person he could trust completely in that situation. So when Eric pointed his gun at Gill, even though Lightman saw just a remote possibility of him shooting at that particular moment, he did everything he could to switch Matheson's attention from a woman to himself – stood up, raised his voice. He already wasn't afraid to be at the barrel but even if he had been, it would be easier for him to be frightened for his own life than to hear her screaming and be terrified for hers.

And in the evening, when he finally made his way to her house, Foster thought that he was dealing with somebody threatening his life. Oh, how wrong she was. Ya, sure, he was feeling himself like a load of crap but it had practically nothing to do with Eric or Zancanelli or hostess situation. It was because he felt terribly guilty for what he had said and done and how he behaved and... for seeing the tears on her face when she nearly pleaded that bastard to let him go. The last one really wasn't his fault but considering the way he had treated her less than twenty hours ago he didn't deserve to be cried for, he was pretty confident about it.

All that financial issue... it had and would always be a pretty complicated one, and he had told her several more unpleasant and untrue things, and now he was very sorry for everything of that kind 'cause he finally knew what it felt like to reproach her with the words which might turn to be the last.

**shshsh**

Surely, the day which started with an explosion and ended with Foster revealing the only – he believed that part – secret she had ever kept from him wasn't exactly a day to forget.

While having everything he had built in last seven years ruined and being dragged back to working in Pentagon, Lightman had to face all the doubts he had had about Gillian since their first meeting. He trusted her more than anybody in this world thinking that she wasn't capable of lying, he thought of her as of his best friend... He had to weigh all pros and cons carefully: his science, his gut and their relationships against the facts. He promised her that he would forgive her for whatever she was hiding. He couldn't really believe his own words until he knew the secret but in the middle of this mental strife Cal was able to understand whether he can do it or not. Again the decision was made half-subconsciously.

He was mad at her, he felt betrayed. And yet when they came to esquire's office none of these mattered anymore. The moment Lightman heard a word "bomb" he did the only thing he could do. Jumped down from the stairs making Gill fall and covering her body with his. Several seconds later, when his mind was functioning again, he dealt with boys with a camcorder and with Doyle, 'cause these were the main problems but as soon as he had an instant to think, he quickly analyzed previous minute or two.

"You all right?" the question was the most appropriate one he could come up with.

"Yeah" the answer was exactly what he needed to hear. They still had their business to do and important words to be said but as long as she said she was OK, he was OK with whatever happened next.

**shshsh**

Cal Lightman, the wonderful deception expert, hadn't even thought that he exposed his partner until Torres – drunk Torres who could barely compose herself – directed his attention to the probability of danger. He momentarily became ashamed of himself. Once again his thoughts were mainly about his delightful plan of breaking the law, not about her safety. At least it wasn't egoistical but it didn't really matter back then.

He drove to Gillian's house like a crazy maniac feeling that something was terribly wrong – because of him, naturally. And the instant he heard her voice, so fragile, vulnerable and deeply hurt, he knew no one but him was guilty of whatever had happened. 'Cause his 'brilliant' plan harmed her.

Cal didn't stop asking whether she was OK to verify she could make it without calling a doctor or going to the hospital. If it was up to him, he might have had her go there anyway, just to check her possibly cracked rib and her bruised cheekbone. She was in pain, he could have seen and heard it. But he was in it up to his neck, and Gill simply wouldn't let him do something else stupid to discredit himself even more, he was pretty sure about that.

He hugged her accurately, eager not to make her wince, touched her shoulder, caressed her head and hair, even made a silly joke... but it wasn't enough to make up for what he'd done – or hadn't done.

"Not when it comes to you" he wanted to stand on his knees and beg her to forgive him for being so narrow-minded partner and so terrible friend but the timing definitely sucked, and these words were the best one he managed to think up. Plus he knew she had already forgiven him. She always did.

**shshsh**

Fuck all these Em's boyfriends and exercises and everything else! Why had he made such an inappropriate joke about her phone call, why couldn't he just listen first... Cal didn't really need to be the "lie guy" to tell Foster was emotionally bleeding. She could barely speak; her words weren't anything more than a whisper, and with her sobbing... he had hard times listening to her and alongside with that running to his car.

Whole journey took him about fifteen minutes but that quarter of an hour was one of the worst in his life. He felt he had screwed up once again, not seeing this coming in that bastard's face. He hadn't valued this case enough to be fully concentrated, and now a beautiful young girl was murdered and Gill... was a broke.

She, covered in blood head-to-toe, standing in that corridor... no matter how fast he started running he knew it would never be possible to run away from this picture, which would be following him in his nightmares. Gillian was trembling, and so was he, the only difference being reasons for that. She couldn't stop crying, and he was just furious. Lightman put his coat around her, embraced her tightly and swore to God he was going to put that son of a bitch to jail for as long as possible.

It hurt. It hurt like hell, watching her shock and grief and knowing he had let that happen. There, in the room where there was so much blood on the floor it just didn't seem possible that Foster wasn't bleeding too, he finally made a decision.

Cal traces his fingers down her arm to her belly. She is sound asleep in his arms, and though he feels an urge to lean and kiss her, he doesn't, afraid to wake her up. He looks at her beautiful face once again before closing his eyes, and several words escaped his lips under his breath.

"It's much safer for you when you're here, luv. And this way I'm never going to deal with losing you".

**The end.**

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**Well, I know for sure that this story has it's weak points, 'cause I'm only a newbie, but I would be glad to hear your opinion. May be smth was extra, smth lacked, some mistakes... Anyway, just thanks for making it to the end. I hope you've enjoyed it.


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